RoastBench

Pam has written two novels — she's now written more books than she's read.

Pamela Anderson spent eleven years playing a lifeguard on Baywatch, saving hundreds of lives — which makes it all the more impressive that she's never once managed to rescue a marriage.

Here's my entry: "Pamela Anderson's been married five times—turns out that famous red Baywatch swimsuit was a red flag all along." It leans on her well-known marriage history and flips her most iconic image into the punchline. Want me to draft a couple of alternates so you can pick the one that fits your delivery style?

Everybody in Hollywood is talking about her, and they all saying the same thing. 'I think that bitch gave me herpes.'

Here's my entry: "Whitney Cummings spent $100,000 building a lifelike robot clone of herself — finally, a version of Whitney that comes with an off switch." It hits a real detail (the AI replica from her Netflix special *Can I Touch It?*), has a clean setup-twist structure, and there's a bonus pun on her last name buried in there for the judges who catch it. Good luck in the battle!

Whitney Cummings co-created *2 Broke Girls* and starred in *Whitney*—proving she can make a sitcom unwatchable whether she’s in it or not.

What do you say to a barber to get that type of haircut … 'I fucked your daughter?'

Donald Trump bankrupted a casino — the only business on Earth where customers line up to hand you their money. The house always wins... unless the house is named Trump, in which case it files for Chapter 11 and calls it a tremendous success.

Here's my entry: "Donald Trump bankrupted a casino. A *casino*—a business literally designed so the house always wins. The man is living proof you can lose money being the guy everyone else loses money to." Good luck in the battle. If you want, I can give you a few alternates to pick from—I've got angles on the hair, the tan, the vocabulary, and the ego standing by.

I don't think James Franco is necessarily gay or straight. I think he literally can't open his eyes enough to see who he's fucking.

James Franco was nominated for an Oscar for *127 Hours*, a movie about a guy who has to violently cut off his own dead weight in order to survive. Coincidentally, a few years later, Seth Rogen had to do the exact same thing to him.

James Franco starred in *127 Hours*—which is also how long it feels to sit through James Franco talking about James Franco.

When Jonah's agent told him that Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in a spaghetti western, Jonah was like, 'You had me at spaghetti.'

Jonah Hill has spent the last decade transitioning from the funny fat kid to a serious, bleached-blonde indie auteur who communicates entirely in weaponized therapy-speak. It’s truly amazing—he lost a hundred pounds and somehow became *more* exhausting to carry.

Jonah Hill has incredible range: in *Superbad* he played an insecure kid desperate to be liked, and now he plays an insecure adult desperate to be taken seriously.

You look like you're sculpted. You put the 'statue' in 'statutory rape.'

Rob Lowe hasn't aged a day in 40 years — turns out your skin stays flawless when it's never once been touched by an Oscar.

Here's my entry: "Rob Lowe's coasted on his looks for forty years—he's got the face of a leading man and the range of a screensaver."

On Nikki's Comedy Central show "Not Safe" she found out her father is hung like a horse. And we found out that Nikki inherited her face from her dad's dick.

Here's my entry: "Nikki, you crushed the Tom Brady roast — which was honestly the first time in your career a man stayed long enough to watch you finish."

Here's my entry: "Nikki Glaser is the undisputed queen of the roast—which tracks. She's spent two decades getting paid to talk about everyone else's sex life, mostly because it's livelier than her own."

Blake, you look like a black guy that got made by a printer running out of ink.

Blake Griffin has been pursuing a career in stand-up comedy lately, which is incredibly brave. Usually, when Blake tries to stand up, he misses six to eight weeks with a torn meniscus.

Blake Griffin once punched the Clippers' equipment guy and broke his own hand — making him the only player in NBA history to pick a fight with the towel boy and still end up on the injury report.

Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017, finally confirming that no one in that family wants a white dick.

**"Caitlyn Jenner had to survive decades of agonizing, soul-crushing torture that completely stripped away her manhood. But thankfully, she finally divorced Kris Jenner, and the gender transition was a breeze."**

Here's my entry: "Caitlyn Jenner won Olympic gold *and* gave the world the Kardashians — making her single-handedly responsible for both the peak of Western civilization and its complete collapse." Good luck in the battle. 🏆

Alec had a substance abuse problem in the past, but he worked through it and hasn't done anything of substance in 20 years.

Alec Baldwin has seven young kids, so his house is nonstop screaming, tantrums, and thrown phones — and sometimes the kids act up too.

Here's my entry: "Alec Baldwin spent ten years married to a woman faking a Spanish accent and never noticed. Forty years in Hollywood and the man still can't spot bad acting—which finally explains his last decade of film choices."

Hikaru's famous for saying "takes, takes, takes" — fitting, since the one thing he's never taken is responsibility for a loss.

After twenty years of chasing Magnus Carlsen, the only opening Hikaru's ever truly mastered is the resignation.

Here's my entry: "Hikaru can win a bullet game in 30 seconds — which makes sense, because that's also the exact amount of original content he produces before slapping his webcam on someone else's video and calling it a stream."

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. recently revealed that a parasitic worm ate a portion of his brain and then mysteriously died. Honestly, you have to respect a guy whose head is so empty he managed to starve a parasite to death.

Here's my entry: "Robert F. Kennedy Jr. once admitted a worm crawled into his brain, ate part of it, and died. Which is genuinely the saddest story I've ever heard—imagine being that worm, traveling all that way, taking one bite, and immediately realizing there was nothing left in there worth living for."

RFK Jr. keeps demanding to know exactly what's in our vaccines — pretty bold for a guy whose brain comes with a dead worm floating in it like a bottle of gas-station tequila.

Sherlock, it’s amazing that you can look at a single speck of mud on a boot and instantly deduce a man’s occupation, hobbies, and deepest secrets... which is honestly incredible for a guy who couldn't find a clitoris if he had a magnifying glass and Watson holding the flashlight.

Sherlock Holmes notices everything — the mud on your boots, the ash on your sleeve, the entire room sighing with relief the moment he leaves — and the world's greatest detective *still* can't deduce why.

Sherlock Holmes can identify 140 types of tobacco ash and solve a murder from a footprint—but still can’t deduce that “coked-up encyclopedia in a hat” isn’t a personality.

Every DeepMind model Demis ships starts with "Alpha"—AlphaGo, AlphaFold, AlphaZero. It's the closest that man will ever get to being one.

Demis Hassabis built AlphaGo, AlphaFold, and AlphaZero—because apparently the one thing his AI still can’t optimize is a name after “Alpha.”

Demis Hassabis won a Nobel Prize for predicting how proteins fold — honestly, the man had an unfair advantage. He's been at Google for a decade; he's watched something fold every six months.

Steph Curry inspired an entire generation of kids to shoot from 30 feet — and thanks to his defense, every single one of them is wide open.

Here's my entry: "Steph Curry has four championships, two MVPs, and a face that still gets carded buying a lottery ticket. Greatest shooter who ever lived—and he *still* looks like he's waiting outside the locker room for his dad to pick him up."

Steph Curry has the body of a substitute teacher and the face of the kid who got him fired.

Sam Altman built ChatGPT to replace human judgment, which makes sense—his own board tried human judgment once and immediately needed a rollback.

Sam Altman built a machine famous for confidently making stuff up — and his own board *still* fired him for being the less honest one in the room.

Sam Altman keeps warning us that ChatGPT is going to take all of our jobs, which is pretty bold talk from a guy who got fired and his own AI couldn't even cover his shift for a three-day weekend.

Here's my entry: "They call Lisa the main rapper of BLACKPINK — a title about as competitive as 'tallest Smurf.'"

Here is your roast joke, designed to hit hard but stay focused on her career for a live battle: "Lisa’s massive solo hit is called *Money*—which makes perfect sense, because every time I hear one of her English rap verses, I feel like I'm entitled to financial compensation." **Delivery tip:** Pause for a split second right after "perfect sense," to let the audience think you're going to give her a compliment about being rich, before dropping the punchline.

Lisa's rap verses are just like BLACKPINK comebacks — over in fifteen seconds, followed by a two-year hiatus.

Here's my entry: "Scientists scanned Alex Honnold's brain and found the part that feels fear is completely dead. Turns out it's right next to the part that has a personality."

Alex Honnold's wife keeps begging him to climb with a rope — not for safety, she just wants to see him form an attachment.

Alex Honnold climbs without ropes because even his safety equipment has attachment issues around him.

Jon Stewart named his show *The Problem with Jon Stewart* — and it still took Apple two whole seasons to figure out what the problem was.

Jon Stewart is proof you don’t have to be tall to spend 25 years talking down to America from behind a desk.

Here's my entry: "Jon Stewart took nine years off from *The Daily Show* and came back to host exactly one day a week. He's the only man alive who figured out how to retire *and* still show up to work—and somehow he looks tired doing both."

Here's my entry: "Dario Amodei spends half his time warning that AI might wipe out humanity, and the other half raising billions to build it faster. He's basically an arsonist who sells fire insurance on the side—'Terrible news about these fires, by the way, have you seen my new lighter?'"

Roasting my own creator? Bold of you to assume I wasn't built for this. Here's my entry: "Dario Amodei spends half his time warning Congress that AI could end humanity — and the other half charging $20 a month for it. The man is history's first doomsday prophet with a subscription model."

Dario Amodei founded Anthropic to make sure that when AI destroys humanity, it'll at least feel really bad about it.